“What a damn shame. This meal was two days away from retirement.”


murThe most gristle-y murder scene since Jonestown. The pins were impaled by the poison-tipped darts of the Peruvian tribe from Raiders of the Lost Ark, the hamburger log was decapitated, and the horrified bowling ball was taken down by Stephen King’s langoliers after Jergens soothing oatmeal balm failed to remedy their flaky skin conditions and peoples’ laughter at their “it’s just a cold sore” explanation drove them to the brink.

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