Oh sure. When I do it they call it “arson”…


I tried having a weenie roast in a bar once. They’d shut the grill down but I needed something to assist my stomach in keeping seven vodka gimlets under control so I set a stack of cocktail napkins ablaze, figuring that if I was polite enough to get the camp fire started then surely someone would be polite in return by bringing me some hot dogs and another beer. We’d sing some songs and make some new friends and everything would be just peachy. It didn’t work out so well. I’m a little fuzzy on the exact details, but I do remember a lot of yelling and judgmental name-calling before being sprayed with the soda gun. I woke up in a jail cell next to a woman named Big Missy who was wearing my watch and was then sent on my way with strict orders to return in one week for some silly trial, but I didn’t bother with that whole fiasco because who really wants to ever visit Utah more than once in a life time?


As a Wisconsinite, I still don’t get the brandy thing. As an alcoholic, I’ll go with it anyway.


Whoa, whoa, whoa…back it up there, chief. Canned pumpernickel?


Pumpernickel is bread, you realize. Unless you’re stocking a bomb shelter then nix that nonsense right the damn ass hell now. In fact, lose the tinned gluten anyway and stock up on brandy. You’re going to be in that fallout shelter a loooooonnnng time and you probably won’t be alone in that underground dorm room. You’ll need booze, and lots of it.



A fucking peppermint stick? Why, because people love the great taste of orange juice after brushing their teeth? Did they lose the recipe card for the refreshing Dentist Office Bubblegum Plaque Treatment Smoothie? Gross.